Tiggy has reviewed the departmental records and regrets to report that, although certain matters have progressed, all does not yet remain broadly under control.
🏠 Tiggy is still under house arrest while the matter of her missing GPS collar continues. Some potentially useful new information which may assist with enquiries has come to light. Tiggy nevertheless wishes to reiterate that the collar can still simply be returned, no questions asked.
🗳️ Tiggy has made good progress on counting the final 25 boxes of Employee of the Week ballot papers. Buzz, Toffee and Socks’ offers of assistance have been firmly rejected.
🦆 Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst remains at the bedside of the Duck (you know the one) at the Waterfowl Unit of The Earl of Chester Hospital. She has reportedly confided in a member of nursing staff that she “didn’t know it was possible to feel such depths of emotion for another bird, and dearly hopes it is not too late to tell him.” The deadline imposed by Mr Ernest Peckhurst for her return home expires this evening.
🔔 The Department of Internal Investigations & Prosecutions continues its enquiries into how the clapper from fellow competitor Hindrik Solberg’s bell came to strike the Duck shortly before he was due to compete in the World Town Crier Tournament finale. Reigning champion Matthias de Gans, whose wing print was found on the bell, continues to decline to answer questions pending the arrival of his legal representative from Amsterdam. Said representative has been detained by Border Control due to complications arising from current avian travel restrictions. It is understood he regrets his decision to travel by EasyJet instead of simply flying himself.
🐜 Ant 675 has now completed her second audition for the Synchronised Tap & Parasol Company. Her mother has described the performance as “faultless”, “a tour de force”, and “a complete vindication of everything I have been saying from the beginning”. Moira Sibley has called it distinctly average.
The Office wishes all a wonderful day.