Tiggy has reviewed the departmental records and regrets to report that, due to the continued disappearance of her GPS collar, all does not remain broadly under control.
🏠 Tiggy is still on house arrest while her GPS collar remains at large in Woodchurch. The Office thanks the many human subjects who have shared today’s appeal. Given that the collar has now lost power without being returned, the matter has been reported to the police. The Office would nevertheless like to stress that it can still simply be returned, no questions asked (it is tied to an account, so of no use to anyone else, but replacement is expensive, so PLEASE, PLEASE if you have it!).
🗳️ Tiggy is making productive use of her enforced house arrest by turning her attention to the final 25 boxes of Employee of the Week ballot papers, which Buzz and Toffee were discovered on Friday to have taken home for “safekeeping”. Buzz, Toffee and Socks have been requested to keep ‘out of it’ while Tiggy counts.
🦆 Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst continues her vigil at the bedside of the Duck (you know the one) at the Waterfowl Unit of The Earl of Chester Hospital. Mrs Peckhurst reports that she felt his wing momentarily clutch hers, although medical staff say the equipment recorded no corresponding change in his vital signs. Mr Peckhurst has reportedly given his wife an ultimatum: she must return home by tomorrow evening or her personal effects will be thrown out of the nest.
🔔 The Department of Internal Investigations & Prosecutions continues its enquiries into how the clapper from Hindrik Solberg’s bell came to strike the Duck. Matthias de Gans, reigning champion, whose print was found on the bell, continues to refuse to answer further questions pending the arrival of his legal representative from Amsterdam. Said representative is currently being held up by Border Control for reasons which have not yet been revealed to the Office.
🐜 Following appeals from Ant 675’s family and human subjects, Julian Mercer and Edmund Rattle have agreed that Ant 675 should be offered a second audition. Moira Sibley is said to be deeply unimpressed by the decision.
The Office wishes all a wonderful evening.