Discontent and disorder are growing on Platform 6 as increasingly vocal and divided crowds protest Tiggy’s recent ruling that “all flying creatures possessing two or more feet” are eligible to vote in the Employee of the Week ballot.
Whilst the ruling resolved the question as to whether moths and other winged creatures can vote, it appears to have created an entirely new debate, namely:
What, precisely, constitutes flying?
Disquiet is now turning directly towards the once celebrated Suffrage Pigeon, Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst (whose campaigning originally secured voting rights for birds), as she has now been heard repeatedly squawking, “No wings, no vote!”
Among the demonstrators is Marjorie, who firmly believes that, despite being wingless, she should be entitled to vote.
“I regularly climb to high places, release my silk and travel wherever the wind takes me,” She said. “Indeed, my eldest once set off from the top of Chester Cathedral and found himself in Malahide. He had to get the ferry from Dublin to Holyhead before hitchhiking home. Yet here I am watching domestic ducks, who can barely get two feet off the ground, voting. Where’s the fairness in that? I believed Emmeline was the champion of us all. Alas, it seems she only cares for her own kind.”
The increasingly popular slogan, “Forget the Wings! Fly or Float! Give Us the Vote! The Vote! The Vote!”, is now echoing throughout the station as campaigners demand constitutional recognition for all forms of aerial propulsion.
Alongside the aerially able demonstrators, growing numbers of permanently earthbound creatures also continue to protest, arguing that the entire constitutional emphasis on flight is fundamentally discriminatory.
I should perhaps declare, in the interests of transparency, that as an earthbound creature, I wholeheartedly agree with this argument. That my inability to fly should somehow render me less deserving of a vote is quite frankly ludicrous. Admittedly my eyesight is not the best, but I have yet to witness Tiggy herself taking flight.
Tiggy has declined to comment.
Montgomery Burrows,
Senior Associate Deputy Investigative Correspondent for Underground & Small Mammal Affairs