Montgomery Burrows reporting:
“Good afternoon. I am on Platform 5, where Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst is shortly expected to meet her newly appointed assistant.
There is considerable excitement, with quite a crowd gathering. Let’s have a word with a spectator.
Hello there. Who are you, and why are you here today?”
“Good afternoon, I’m Margaret. I’ve popped up from Hoole – ooh, is this live?”
“Indeed it is, Margaret.”
“Oh, I would have done my spikes and put on a brooch had I known! Anyway, I heard Mrs Peckhurst was finally getting an assistant and wanted to congratulate her. She really is a remarkable bird.”
“Indeed she is. Thank you, Margaret. And now let’s have a quick word with the duck of the moment (you know the one).
Duck, how are you feeling about your new role?”
“Oh Monty, I can’t tell you how excited I am, I’m quite literally quacking to get going! Mrs Peckhurst is a legend, an absolute legend. I’ve long admired her while carrying out my important work educating the travelling public about the deeper aspects of our being alongside her on the platform…it really is an honour, a blessing to work with her. Oh and I’ve so many ideas – I think we shall be a formidable team. And, even better, I can continue my important outreach work by aiding the ants to find their spiritual paths…remind me, have I told you about my near-death experiences?”
“Ooh, excuse me for interrupting, Duck, but I believe Mrs Peckhurst is just flying onto Platform 5 now. Yes, there she is. She’s putting her post bag away. A representative from the Department for Personnel & Administrative Affairs is approaching…
Mrs Peckhurst has now been handed the appointment documentation.
She is reading it…she has stopped…she’s reading again…she’s stopped again. She’s now looking at the duck…and now back at the paperwork…and now back at the duck, ooh, she looks a little ‘flappy’…
Mrs Peckhurst! Mrs Peckhurst! Would you like to comment on your new assistant? Are you pleased to finally have the support you have long asked for? Mrs Peckhurst, can you hear me?”
“I hear you perfectly well, Mr Burrows. I simply have no comment at this time.”