Following recent enquiries regarding the temporary suspension of the Annual Staff Census, I have been asked to clarify the circumstances which led to the suspension.
Readers may recall that the original census procedure required each ant to demonstrate their strength by lifting as many fellow ants as possible. Whilst scientifically sound in principle, the process proved somewhat less successful in practice.
The repeated lifting of colleagues had an unfortunate tendency to leave the queue thoroughly discombobulated, with Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst spending almost as much time returning ants to their correct place in the queue as she did conducting the census itself.
Matters came to a head when Ant No. 14,981, determined to improve upon last year’s impressive result of 32 fellow ants, attempted to lift considerably more colleagues than Health & Safety guidance recommends. Although no lasting injuries were sustained, the resulting collapse scattered ants across a considerable section of Platform 5, requiring a full roll call before normal operations could resume.
Following a review, it was unanimously agreed that asking ants to lift one another was no longer an appropriate census methodology.
The Department for Procurement therefore, at my request, authorised the purchase of carefully calibrated precision miniature weights from Wee-Weights R Us, which will allow future strength assessments to be conducted in a considerably safer and calmer, albeit not quite so fun and communal, manner.
I am also delighted to report that Wee-Parasols R Us, the sister company of Wee-Weights R Us, has very kindly donated a perfectly proportioned parasol to each ant, providing much-needed shade whilst they await the arrival of the weights.
On behalf of all members of the Department for Health & Safety (Ant Division), I should like to extend our sincere thanks to both companies for their generosity and continued support of safe working practices.
Anita Butler (Ant No. 14,351)
Senior Risk Assessment Officer
Department for Health & Safety (Ant Division)