I can confirm that I have now obtained my first eyewitness statement concerning last week’s incident involving a badger, a vole, two butterflies, a blue tit and a protest placard.
The witness, the duck previously involved in the incident concerning two seagulls, a squirrel, a duck and a discarded Greggs bag, provided the following statement:
“I was, at the time, enjoying a most thought-provoking conversation with a businesswoman from Frodsham on the nature of reality when I felt something whoosh by at considerable speed on my left-wing side. My first thought was that it was a missile and so, believing myself to be in grave danger, I immediately dived for cover behind the businesswoman’s briefcase.
It was only when I heard a butterfly screaming, “You stupid vole, you’ve hurt my proboscis!” that I cautiously emerged to see a vole lying spread-eagled upon the platform, two stunned butterflies fluttering frantically, and a blue tit with his head in his wings.
It was then I realised that I had, once again, cheated death. You may remember that this is not the first time I have been saved, making it even clearer to me that I am here for a divine purpose…”
I can confirm that the interview was politely concluded after thirty-seven minutes, during which I came no closer to either establishing the facts of the incident or to being convinced of the existence of an afterlife.
Please be reminded that I am seeking facts, not philosophical reflections.
Anita Butler (Ant No. 14,351)
Senior Risk Assessment Officer
Department for Health & Safety (Ant Division)