Owing to several amendments to his original mission, the Office understands that some human subjects may have lost track of precisely why Field Operative Phileas Moss Esq. is attempting to reach Upton (where there is believed to be an organisation which may possess the required expertise).
For the avoidance of doubt:
🐦 1. FIRST CAME THE BIRDS
Mr Moss was originally dispatched to procure an Avian Translation Expert to assist Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst with foreign migratory birds participating in the Employee of the Week vote following Universal Avian Suffrage.
🐝 2. THEN CAME THE INSECTS
When voting rights were extended to insects, his brief expanded to Insect & Avian Translation Experts, since Mrs Peckhurst does not speak Buzz.
✉️ 3. THEN CAME THE POSTAL VOTE
The ballot subsequently became a postal vote, removing the need for Translation Experts and rendering Mr Moss’s mission redundant.
📋 4. THEN CAME THE STAFF CENSUS
Fortunately for Mr Moss, another problem emerged. Numerous Office creatures were unable to state their correct scientific species, while the Office’s resident taxonomy expert was discovered to be on a twelve-month secondment in Costa Rica.
🚢 5. PHILEAS’ MISSION CHANGED. AGAIN.
Mr Moss was instructed to continue to Upton, but instead recruit a Temporary Classification & Taxonomy Officer (Mammals, Insects, Birds & Arachnids).
🐜 6. MEANWHILE…
The Census continues with approximately 15,000 members of Health & Safety (Ant Division), already verified as Black Garden Ant (Lasius niger).
🐌 7. AND NOW?
Mr Moss is still attempting to reach Upton. Most recently, however, he returned to the station in search of his lost mission-worn Travelling Tote containing confidential Office documents.
Mr Moss has asked The Office to make it clear that, while appearances may suggest otherwise, his mission is imperative to the successful completion of the Official Staff Census and is in no way a glorified pub crawl.
The Office trusts that this clarifies matters.