To All,
I feel it necessary to make a brief statement.
For several weeks now I have attempted to discharge my duties as conscientiously and impartially as possible whilst simultaneously administering a ballot and managing what has become an increasingly volatile public demonstration on Platform 6.
During that time I have been required to facilitate voting by all types and nationalities of birds and all manner of airborne insects, including flying ants, whose numbers appear to be swelling by the second (despite the official date of Flying Ant Day not yet having been announced). I am also dealing with increasing fraudulent and rowdy activity. Indeed, just this morning I intercepted a group of field mice dressed as ladybirds attempting to vote, and have also been told I must submit four separate injury forms to the Department for Health & Safety (Ant Division) following an incident in which a badger launched a vole towards a ballot box using a protest placard, injuring two butterflies, a blue tit, and the vole herself.
And none of this is to mention the difficulties being caused by the duck previously involved in the incident involving two seagulls, a squirrel, a duck and a discarded Greggs bag, who has now acquired a loud-hailer and is causing passengers to miss their trains, for which I somehow seem to receive the blame.
Furthermore, despite repeated requests, I have yet to receive the Administrative Assistant promised to me. Nor have the much-needed Avian and Insect Translation Experts arrived, meaning I continue to conduct important constitutional business whilst relying largely upon guesswork and increasingly animated wing gestures.
On which note, I am aware that certain individuals have begun referring to me as ‘flappy’. I ask, is it any wonder that one has become flappy?
Finally, I should also remind those responsible that, despite numerous notices, Platform 5 remains in frequent use as a public convenience by members of the avian community. This has done little to improve either my morale or my working conditions.
Respectfully,
Miss Emmeline Peckhurst
Interim Assistant Deputy Acting Head of Avian Affairs & Flying Mammals (Platform 5/6 Division)
Avian Affairs