Dear Ernest,
It is with a heavy heart and downward beak that I write this letter, but I feel the time has come for an open and honest assessment of our marriage.
I have, over the years, been a supportive spouse. I stayed at home to raise our brood, allowing you to pursue your career, and for many years I did not mind. Call me old-fashioned, but I believed it was my place to feather our nest and make our home life as comfortable as possible.
But things have changed – the children have flown, yet you still expect me to wait on you wing and foot when you deign to be at home, or sit alone while you fly off on yet another ‘business trip’. And I ask you, Ernest, did you really need a double room on that recent trip to Brussels?
That aside, these past few weeks have given me a great deal of time to reflect. I realise now that the Duck (you know the one), despite his loud voice and strong opinions, possesses a heart purer than any I have ever known. He has shown me nothing but kindness and respect, whereas you have constantly peck, peck, pecked away at what little self-esteem I had – how do you think it made me feel to hear you telling your brother that The Office of Tiggy must have a serious recruitment shortage to have employed a washed-up old housebird like me?
Well, Ernest, I realise now that I am worth more. I shall remain beside the Duck (you know the one) for as long as he needs me and, whether or not he pulls through, I shall not be returning home.
Finally, for the avoidance of doubt as to whether any indiscretions have taken place, I can hold my head high and say that, unlike you, I have always taken my vows seriously.
I can only hope now that it is not too late for the Duck and me to have our happy ever after.
Goodbye,
Emmeline