Tiggy has reviewed the day’s departmental records and is pleased to report that all remains broadly under control.
🐌 The Department for Official Records & Public Information has agreed to release Mr Phileas Moss Esq.’s account of Wednesday’s inaugural Flying Harness test next week. Anita Butler wishes to make it clear that reaching an altitude of 7.81cm does not constitute “a perilous ascent into the rarefied reaches of the upper atmosphere” and maintains that her version is more accurate.
🦡 Anita has also completed a risk assessment for Tiggy’s Feline Sedan Chair. Several additional safety recommendations have been made, including the fitting of a seat belt and strict speed restrictions.
🥪 The Department for Human Behaviour & Statistical Analysis have continued trying to make amends for eating the Feline Sedan Chair Bearers’ packed lunches. Pepper offered them an hour with her favourite tennis ball. They declined on account of it being covered in dog slobber. Toffee offered to count their lunch bags each morning. The badgers declined as they are perfectly capable of counting to four themselves. Buzz offered to brush down their uniforms. They declined as she is currently moulting like a yak in a sauna.
🗳️ Mrs Constance Pickering continues discussions with North West Temporary Counting & Clerical Services Ltd. regarding suitable agency staff to count the Employee of the Week ballot papers. Currently under consideration are a hare, a tortoise and a hummingbird.
🐜 Moira Sibley has confirmed that Ant No. 675 will not be offered another audition, stating: “An audition begins in the rehearsal room. With 14,872 other ants to choose from, there is no reason for a sloppy candidate to be given a second chance.” Ant No. 675’s Mum is said to be heading to the window ledge adjacent to the bike shed to give Ms Sibley a piece of her mind.
🦆 The Duck (you know the one) has completed preparations for tomorrow’s World Town Crier Tournament grand finale. His costume is pressed and his voice has, according to Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst, been “exercised extensively and ad nauseam.”
The Office wishes all human subjects and creatures a wonderful weekend.