Tiggy has reviewed this morning’s departmental reports and is pleased to report that all remains broadly under control.
🐶 The Department for Human Behaviour & Statistical Analysis departed Chester on the 07:32 to Stoke-on-Trent for their three-day residential course, ‘Food or Form? Advanced Document Recognition in the Modern Workplace’. Unfortunately, Toffee ate her ticket and missed the 07:32 while having it reprinted. She followed on the 08:32.
🪽 The Flying Harness Team reports considerable progress. Today the prototype will undergo its first fully suspended load-bearing test. Project Safety Officer Anita Butler (Ant No. 14,351) has approved Mr Moss, in his flying harness, being raised precisely 3.27 centimetres off the floor for 8.3 seconds by 4 pigeons.
🍬 The ants are inventorying the substantial quantities of sugar kindly donated during the recent industrial dispute. With normal operations resumed, a considerable surplus is expected, and the colony proposes establishing the Chester Station Invertebrate Food & Sugar Bank to distribute supplies to insects and other small creatures in need throughout Cheshire. Plans are underway to install donation points around the station for human subjects wishing to contribute suitable surplus food.
🦆 The Duck (you know the one) has taken delivery of 500 pamphlets documenting precisely how he has repeatedly been spared for a higher purpose: those interested can now read about his rescue from a discarded Greggs bag by two seagulls and a squirrel; his claimed narrow escape during the badger, vole, butterflies, blue tit and protest placard incident; how he saved Ant No. 8,624 from a fall; and, most recently, the full account of his burial beneath the sugar mountain. Those not interested are advised to avoid Thomas Brassey’s statue, from where he is currently delivering readings from the pamphlet over his PA system.
The Office wishes all human subjects and creatures a wonderful day.