🐜 The Department for Internal Investigations & Procurement Irregularities continues its investigation into the supply of unauthorised cocktail parasols to members of Health & Safety (Ant Division). Station Rat B, who on Friday completed 27 hours of court-ordered community service within the Department for Street Food Regulation for his part in the provision of a fraudulent Station Street Food Vendor’s Licence (SSFVL) and associated documentation to Mr Fergus Redfern, resulting in an outbreak of food poisoning, is wanted for questioning. Station Rat A, meanwhile, has begun Day 12 of 34 days in custody for his part in the same offence.
👞 Harley, Head of the Department for Human Behaviour & Statistical Analysis, has worked overtime through the weekend to retrieve and count the contents of Box 1 of the 143-box consignment from Wee-Tap Shoes R Us following Friday’s incident involving the favourite tennis ball of Pepper BSc (Hons), FICSA, Special Adviser for Advanced Statistical Analysis. Buzz and Toffee were asked to assist; however, Buzz said she was required to attend a wedding as ring-bearer, while Toffee reported that she was needed at home to kittensit Socks.
🗳️ The Department for Electoral Affairs reports that, owing to unspecified operational difficulties, Emmeline Peckhurst personally undertook delivery of Employee of the Week postal ballot papers throughout CH1 over the course of the weekend. Mrs Peckhurst is understood to be extremely dissatisfied with this arrangement.
📋 The Staff Census resumed on Platform 5 this morning following the weekend recess. The queue remains considerable. Mrs Peckhurst reminds those waiting that queue position is determined by Office Ant Number, NOT position within the Synchronised Tap & Parasol Dance Troupe.
🐜 The Judging Panel for the Synchronised Tap & Parasol Dance Troupe will perform the new set audition routine for candidates to watch and learn on the windowsill adjacent to the bikesheds today at noon. Auditions will reopen on Wednesday, giving candidates time to practise the routine.
The Office wishes all a very happy Monday.