Tiggy has reviewed the day’s departmental records and is pleased to report that all remains broadly under control.
🦆 Hindrik Solberg, the Norwegian lemming whose ceremonial handbell was involved in Saturday’s incident at the World Town Crier Tournament, attended the Office this afternoon to assist the Department for Internal Investigations & Prosecutions with its enquiries. Mr Solberg has confirmed that the bell was in full working order when he last inspected it – he is understood to be devastated by what has happened and is, at this time, under no direct suspicion. The Duck (you know the one) remains in a coma at the Waterfowl Unit of The Earl of Chester Hospital, with Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst continuing her bedside vigil.
🗳️ Mrs Constance Pickering reports that the tortoise, hare and hummingbird supplied by North West Temporary Counting & Clerical Services Ltd have made astonishing progress with the Employee of the Week postal ballot. After months of administrative difficulties, delays and assorted complications, a result may…dare it be said…finally be on the horizon.
🎵 Cecilia Fortescue FRCOrg has confirmed that all remaining wee organ pipes scattered during yesterday’s sneezing incident have now been recovered. Given the severity of her allergies, she has submitted a formal request for a less hairy workforce to assist with the construction of the Wee Parasol Cathedral’s replica organs.
🐜 Ant 675’s Mum has confirmed that, following Moira Sibley’s continued refusal to grant her daughter a second audition, she is considering establishing a rival synchronised tap and parasol troupe.
🐌 The Department for Official Records & Public Information confirms that Part Two of Mr Phileas Moss Esq.’s account of his inaugural flight has now been released. Mr Moss continues to describe the flight as “a perilous ascent into the rarefied reaches of the upper atmosphere”. Anita Butler continues to describe it as “a 11.2-second test flight reaching a maximum altitude of 7.81cm”.
The Office wishes all human subjects and creatures a very pleasant evening.