By Montgomery Burrows, Senior Associate Deputy Investigative Correspondent for Underground, Small Mammal & General Station Affairs
A remarkable scale model of Chester Cathedral, constructed from Standard Issue Wee Parasols by The Office of Tiggy’s Health & Safety (Ant Division), has become the scene of industrial action, with all 14,873 builders staging a sit-in inside the half-finished construction.
The ants originally began building the Cathedral simply to occupy themselves while awaiting resolution of the dispute between Mrs Peckhurst and the Synchronised Tap & Parasol Dance Troupe audition panel over whether they could audition before completing their Staff Census forms. Unfortunately, a compromise brokered by the Duck (you know the one) has brought both the Staff Census and auditions to a complete halt.
Simon Turner, Ant No. 380, Senior Structural Adviser, explained:
“Under the compromise, Ants Nos. 1–7,342 must complete their Staff Census forms before auditioning, while Ants Nos. 7,343–14,873 can audition immediately. Unfortunately, the Department for Human Behaviour & Statistical Analysis has been unable to establish exactly how many Standard Issue Wee Tap Shoes – and therefore troupe places – are available, so places are being offered on a first-come, first-served basis until the shoes run out.
I am a highly experienced tap dancer, yet I must complete my Staff Census form before auditioning, meaning I could miss out on a place. As a team, we have therefore decided that unless all 14,873 of us can audition on equal terms, none of us shall audition, nor shall we complete our Staff Census forms.”
A fresh supply of Standard Issue Wee Parasols, kindly provided by Wee Parasols R Us, arrived over the weekend to enable both construction and auditions to continue. It seems they may now remain unused…