Following Tiggy’s landmark ruling, I bring this report directly from Platform 6, where the scenes of jubilation and celebration are reminiscent of those witnessed on 2 July 1928, when women finally secured equal voting rights to men.
Marjorie, a Money Spider, has said:
“This is not only a victory for all animals and insects; it is a victory for their offspring and for generations to come.”
Ah, there’s the duck previously involved in the incident concerning two seagulls, a squirrel, a duck and a discarded Greggs bag…”Sir, what are your thoughts on the ruling?”
“To my mind it demonstrates that, underneath it all, we are all the same – a truth I have been trying to share for some weeks since I was saved. Every creature eventually discovers that the journey through life is not one of material gain, but rather a journey back to the essence of oneself. And that essence is something we all share. Bravo, Tiggy!”
And now I’m making my way across to Platform 5 to speak to the bird who, one could reasonably argue, started this entire chain of events…Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst.
Ah, I see her now, by the ballot box, surrounded by ever-growing queues of eager, newly enfranchised creatures.
“Mrs Peckhurst…Mrs Peckhurst, may I ask what you think of Tiggy’s landmark ruling? Mrs Peckhurst?”
“No need to shout, I hear you perfectly well, Mr Burrows, but if you might note, I am rather too busy to talk. Please, please form orderly queues. Small mammals to the left, walking insects to the right, and all flying creatures overhead… No, Cedric, you may not have a ballot paper for each leg, that would amount to something in the region of one hundred votes when Tiggy very clearly stated, ‘One Creature. One Vote.'”
“But Mrs Peckhurst…Mrs Peckhurst, just one word please. Do you welcome the ruling?”
“No comment, Mr Burrows…no comment.”
Well, there you have it. The one creature you may have expected to be more jubilant than anyone else, and we get…no comment.
This is Montgomery Burrows, Senior Associate Deputy Investigative Correspondent for Underground & Small Mammal Affairs, reporting directly from Chester Station on this auspicious day.