Ref: DTS/GRG/001
Following interviews and review of CCTV footage, the Department for Treats & Snacks has now established the facts and concluded its investigation into yesterday’s reported altercation on Platform 6 involving two seagulls, a squirrel, a duck and a discarded Greggs bag.
In the words of the duck (who has requested anonymity):
“At 14:37, I spotted a discarded Greggs bag blowing down Platform 6. Being a great gastronome and so, of course, a huge admirer of Greggs, I dived towards it with gusto in the hope that it might contain the crumbs of the chain’s new Chicken Roll, which I have long desired to taste.
It was then that disaster struck as, in my zest, the whole of me – beak, legs, wings and all – became enveloped, encased and entrapped by the bag. I was immediately confused and disorientated…it was then I heard the rumble of the delayed 14:22 from Crewe heading into the station. I didn’t know which way to step. Which way was the platform edge? I couldn’t see a thing, aside from my life flashing before my eyes. I desperately tried and tried to free myself, but to no avail…and then to my absolute HORROR, I felt one foot fall into the void of the platform edge and just like that, my whole body was heading towards the tracks. That’s it I thought, that’s me meeting my maker… and then, my eyes having become accustomed to the darkness of the bag, I saw two shadows circling above me. Like angels they were. They swooped, and then I was flying. I really thought I must have died, but then I found myself back on the platform being helped out of the bag by a kindly squirrel – praise be, all thanks to those two brave seagulls and the squirrel, I was saved! I live to see the light again and swim another day.”
The duck has now returned to Northgate Ponds and is expected to make a full recovery.
The Office thanks all those involved for their quick thinking, which ensured a happy ending in what could have been a very grave situation. It also reminds all human subjects that discarded food packaging is a serious hazard to wildlife and should be disposed of responsibly.
Department for Treats & Snacks