MORNING REPORT: Tiggy has completed her morning patrol and is pleased to report that all remains broadly under control.
🕊️ Following yesterday’s meeting with Tiggy, Mrs Emmeline Peckhurst has submitted a formal list of concerns regarding her role as Interim Assistant Deputy Acting Head of Avian Affairs, Flying Mammals, Staff Census & Postal Ballot Administration (Platforms 5/6 Division). She is understood to have described her current workload as “wholly unreasonable and beyond the capabilities of one pigeon”.
☂️ Station Rat B has yet to present himself for questioning regarding the supply of unauthorised cocktail parasols to Health & Safety (Ant Division). Enquiries into his whereabouts continue. Station Rat A remains in custody serving his 34-day sentence for prior offences.
🐜 Anita Butler (Ant No. 14,351) reminds candidates auditioning for the Synchronised Tap & Parasol Dance Troupe that, following the recent incident involving Ant No. 8,624, a duck (you know the one), an unauthorised cocktail parasol and a reverse triple somersault with double parasol deployment/retraction, the final two items remain strictly prohibited.
🦆 The duck (you know the one) has acquired a microphone and PA system. Humans are advised to avoid engaging with him unless they actively want to miss their train. They are also asked to responsibly dispose of any unwanted evangelical literature he may force upon them.
🐶 Buzz and Toffee have been asked to meet with Tiggy following footage released by Montgomery Burrows of The Chester Chronicle showing them enjoying a leisurely canal-side stroll when they had previously said they were unavailable to assist Harley with the retrieval of scattered wee tap shoes from Wee Tap Shoes R Us over the weekend due to other (differing) commitments.
🐈 The Department for Careers & Recruitment will today continue Socks’s aptitude, competency and vocational assessment programme following yesterday’s distinction in ‘How to Be Completely Uncooperative and Attack the Camera When a Human Tries to Record You.’ Good luck Socks!
Tiggy has now retired to nap. The Office remains operational, although Tiggy does not intend to be for at least a few hours.