From: Anita Butler (Ant No. 14,351)
I regret to report a serious incident during this afternoon’s auditions for the Health & Safety (Ant Division) Synchronised Tap & Parasol Dance Troupe.
It transpires that Ant No. 8,624, whose Standard Issue wee parasol remains one of the hundreds currently missing, attended his audition with a cocktail umbrella obtained from a currently unknown source.
During an attempted reverse triple somersault with double parasol deployment and retraction, the aforementioned cocktail umbrella failed to deploy correctly, causing Ant No. 8,624, to the horror of both spectators and the audition panel, to tumble from the audition windowsill.
Thankfully, he landed directly on the duck (you know the one), who cushioned his fall considerably. Ant No. 8,624 sustained only minor injuries and is currently being looked after by First Aid. The duck was, thankfully, unharmed and was quoted as saying:
“I have long proclaimed that I was sent here for a higher purpose. Today, before many witnesses, that purpose was once more revealed. Of all the places upon this station where I might have stood, I was guided to that very windowsill at that very moment. Make of that what you will, but I believe there are no accidents.”
Contrary to the duck, I would suggest that there are, in fact, accidents and would therefore like to remind ALL members of Health & Safety (Ant Division) that cocktail umbrellas are NOT an approved substitute for Standard Issue wee parasols from Wee-Parasols R Us, irrespective of colour, decorative flair or apparent suitability for synchronised dance.
I have ordered the immediate inspection of all parasols currently in use by members of Health & Safety (Ant Division).
I would also be extremely interested to know precisely how unauthorised parasols have entered circulation.
Anita Butler (Ant No. 14,351)
Senior Risk Assessment Officer
Department for Health & Safety (Ant Division)